A little personal history…please comment

Do you truly know what you believe?  How much of what you believe can be supported with proof?  I wish to be given proofs.  I was told I must have faith during my Christian upbringing.  Whenever I asked what faith is I got a very long answer that meant believing something without proof so I decided I appreciated the morality and fellowship and hoped I could develop the faith part.

Then I joined the Army and we trained to maim, kill, and destroy. What happened to my Christian upbringing then?  Well it got a whole lot more Old Testament than it was.  Where Jesus would turn the other cheek we were taught to fight. I was eighteen years old and nearly halfway around the world.  I was confused and lonely so, giving in to intense peer pressure, I learned to get drunk and enjoy intimate company of woman.  What should I believe now?

After a few years of military service I stopped drinking to excess and I got married at the age of twenty one.  I had very little money. my Army Unit was sent out to the field for weeks and months at a time my wife was with me and if my life was awful hers was worse. I prayed for help.  It breaks my heart even now to realize what she went through.  I was reaching the end of my enlistment when we found out my wife was pregnant.  I left the Army and we went home.  What should I believe now?

Our folks knew the problems we had been through and wanted the best for us but what that was in their eyes I don’t know for sure.  We prepared for the baby getting all sorts of neat baby stuff.  We were thankful for our baby we felt he represented the goodness that came out of our past difficulties.  My wife had her baby shower.  It was getting close to time and our life was improving.  Then one day I was at work and I got a phone call.  Something was wrong with the baby.  I prayed for help.  I went to the hospital chapel and prayed.  I even went outside the hospital and called on heaven under the open stars.  I then went back into the hospital and supported my wife as our little boy was born dead.  How would you describe this God I prayed to.  What should I believe now.

For a while my wife and I stayed together.  I took her to school daily to work toward her High School Diploma.  We worked hard and prayed to make things work for months, but with troubles in our past proved insurmountable we eventually decided on an uncontested divorce.  Still no Divine Intervention.  I was still hurting from the death of our child and our divorce I decided to quit the job I was doing and go long-haul trucking alone and kept at it for five years.

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